Many of you know, I took a minor rest from Facebook for a time being. My heart has been troubled as my foundation of faith has been shaken probably these last few years, however more apparent, these last few months. My anxiety keeps reaching a height, higher than before, with only glimpses of peace from time to time. I've often believed that if I could just get my faith straightened out, perhaps anxiety would diminish. My faith has been rocked simply because I'm reaching a new understanding of the Gospel. All of my life I've been raised to know that Jesus died for my sins and to try to live this "moral life" for Him. You see, perhaps it was a good start, and I believe somewhere along the way, even in the midst of my sins, I grew in that theology a bit. God doesn't waste a thing. However, I think even in my darkest days, to the time I came back to church, I was still trying to live this so-called life on my own, just because I was supposed to. Yeah, it was to please God, but the key is that I've been trying to do it on my own.
Anyways, as my anxiety has been hitting an uncomfortable peak, the time from FB was to give me time with the Lord. I've been wrestling and wrestling and wrestling. I've come to the reality of my condition, prior to Christ. Romans 3:10 talks about how "none is righteous, not even one." Apart from Christ, we have NOTHING to offer God. Many out there claim to be "good people." That's not enough. If you claim to be a "good person" then you are glorifying yourself and it takes away from Christ's work on the cross. You see though, that even though the Bible says that "none is righteous," God provided a way for us to be righteous. There had to be a perfect sacrifice for our sins. That was Christ. God is just. He hates sin. And with sin, there has to be a punishment, otherwise God would cease to be just. The alternative, the atonement was Jesus Christ, shedding His precious blood for us, to cover us, and save us from God's wrath (wrath because of sin, beginning with Adam and Eve). 1 John 4:10 says, "In this is love, not that we have loved God but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation of our sins." You see, we were helpless. I fell into that for a while. I kept thinking that I could do something to earn my salvation. But you see, if I had kept down that road, I would've been no better off than the Pharisees, trying to live by the letter of the Law, being hypocritical to the world.
In this time from Facebook, I had time with God, many of it with tears. Tears because the reality of my sins hit me like a ton of bricks. And the realization that I deserve nothing. For a time, I carried the weight of my sins, the weight of my past, and this just recently. I kept going back, going back, wondering if I had committed the unpardonable sin because at age 13, I supposedly answered the altar call to have my sins forgiven, then years later, I walked in darkness for some years. But I came to two thoughts tonight. Perhaps, I was never truly saved then, in which case, that didn't mean I couldn't be now. Or it meant that I lost my way for a while, and like the Prodigal Son, I came home! I still wrestled, and still may for a bit, but I don't think in those years of darkness, I ever denied who I was or renounced Christ. I just chose to go on disobeying. But I also have to believe that God called me from the darkness because there were some places I would still be, had God not pulled me from the Abyss. I have to believe that I wouldn't be so sensitive to my dark past and to sin, if the Holy Spirit didn't reside in me. And I have to believe that in realizing my sin and confessing it, and not wanting to got there anymore, according to Romans 8:1, "Therefore there is now now more condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." And perhaps God did pull me out of darkness because Paul says in Philippians 1:6, "And I'm sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." These are the promises I must hold on to.
I spoke with a pastor the other day at church about some of the wrestling and doubt in my mind. One of the things he said, which really has taken root in me is that when we consider our place with God, we must not look inward. Because when we look inward, we see all of the sin and imperfections and that we realize we can't live up this perfect standard. So, in that case, we must look outward at Christ's work on the cross and trust HIM as Savior. That my faith must be put in Jesus Christ alone, and not in any merit on my part. And the reason it's not done on our own merit, is that we don't boast in ourselves and glorify ourselves. It's to glorify our Creator. Galatians 6:14 says, "But far be it for me to boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world." And also Ephesians 2:8,9 "For it is by grace that you have been saved, through faith, and this is not of yourselves, it is the gift of God, not by works, so that no one can boast."
I've also come to realize how much sweeter grace is, when we see the reality of sin. Once we see our condition, grace seems that much better. The love of God then makes so much more sense. "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now am found, was blind but now I see..." There was an illustration done in our membership class at church, that I just love. I can't draw it on here, but the point was that the deeper reality we have of our sin, the greater reality we have of the holiness of God. Sin and holiness start together at one point, then a line is drawn moving diagonally upward from that point, and sin is a line drawn diagonally downward from that point, and in between the lines, you draw crosses, that end up bigger and bigger. So, as we recognize sin more and more, we recognize God's holiness more and more and the cross becomes that much bigger, that much more necessary, and that much sweeter.
I feel like Peter most days when Jesus had just taught some hard things and many people left. Peter was left standing there and Jesus asked if he was going to leave too and Peter said something along the lines of, "where else can I go? You have the gift of eternal life." There are days I also feel like, "I believe, help my unbelief."
You know, once I realized the graveness of my sins, it made God's love that much more awesome. And I think I see now where works fits into the whole mix. Our works come of the freedom we have to serve because of the cross. We serve because we want to serve. We love because God first loved us. His love and mercy in my life enables me to love and be merciful to others by the same grace that was extended to me in my years of darkness. If God can forgive my mess, it makes it that much easier to forgive others' offenses toward me.
So, in closing, my time away from Facebook, may lead to more time away because it is in these times that I chose to spend time with the Lord and wrestle with Him and pray and read His Word and come before my Creator and learn of His great love! I pray that I may never return to the dark life I once lived. It's not worth trading it up for the precious love of Jesus!
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