Rest for the Weary

Many of you know, I took a minor rest from Facebook for a time being. My heart has been troubled as my foundation of faith has been shaken probably these last few years, however more apparent, these last few months. My anxiety keeps reaching a height, higher than before, with only glimpses of peace from time to time. I've often believed that if I could just get my faith straightened out, perhaps anxiety would diminish. My faith has been rocked simply because I'm reaching a new understanding of the Gospel. All of my life I've been raised to know that Jesus died for my sins and to try to live this "moral life" for Him. You see, perhaps it was a good start, and I believe somewhere along the way, even in the midst of my sins, I grew in that theology a bit. God doesn't waste a thing. However, I think even in my darkest days, to the time I came back to church, I was still trying to live this so-called life on my own, just because I was supposed to. Yeah, it was to please God, but the key is that I've been trying to do it on my own.

Anyways, as my anxiety has been hitting an uncomfortable peak, the time from FB was to give me time with the Lord. I've been wrestling and wrestling and wrestling. I've come to the reality of my condition, prior to Christ. Romans 3:10 talks about how "none is righteous, not even one." Apart from Christ, we have NOTHING to offer God. Many out there claim to be "good people." That's not enough. If you claim to be a "good person" then you are glorifying yourself and it takes away from Christ's work on the cross. You see though, that even though the Bible says that "none is righteous," God provided a way for us to be righteous. There had to be a perfect sacrifice for our sins. That was Christ. God is just. He hates sin. And with sin, there has to be a punishment, otherwise God would cease to be just. The alternative, the atonement was Jesus Christ, shedding His precious blood for us, to cover us, and save us from God's wrath (wrath because of sin, beginning with Adam and Eve). 1 John 4:10 says, "In this is love, not that we have loved God but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation of our sins." You see, we were helpless. I fell into that for a while. I kept thinking that I could do something to earn my salvation. But you see, if I had kept down that road, I would've been no better off than the Pharisees, trying to live by the letter of the Law, being hypocritical to the world.

In this time from Facebook, I had time with God, many of it with tears. Tears because the reality of my sins hit me like a ton of bricks. And the realization that I deserve nothing. For a time, I carried the weight of my sins, the weight of my past, and this just recently. I kept going back, going back, wondering if I had committed the unpardonable sin because at age 13, I supposedly answered the altar call to have my sins forgiven, then years later, I walked in darkness for some years. But I came to two thoughts tonight. Perhaps, I was never truly saved then, in which case, that didn't mean I couldn't be now. Or it meant that I lost my way for a while, and like the Prodigal Son, I came home! I still wrestled, and still may for a bit, but I don't think in those years of darkness, I ever denied who I was or renounced Christ. I just chose to go on disobeying. But I also have to believe that God called me from the darkness because there were some places I would still be, had God not pulled me from the Abyss. I have to believe that I wouldn't be so sensitive to my dark past and to sin, if the Holy Spirit didn't reside in me. And I have to believe that in realizing my sin and confessing it, and not wanting to got there anymore, according to Romans 8:1, "Therefore there is now now more condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." And perhaps God did pull me out of darkness because Paul says in Philippians 1:6, "And I'm sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." These are the promises I must hold on to.

I spoke with a pastor the other day at church about some of the wrestling and doubt in my mind. One of the things he said, which really has taken root in me is that when we consider our place with God, we must not look inward. Because when we look inward, we see all of the sin and imperfections and that we realize we can't live up this perfect standard. So, in that case, we must look outward at Christ's work on the cross and trust HIM as Savior. That my faith must be put in Jesus Christ alone, and not in any merit on my part. And the reason it's not done on our own merit, is that we don't boast in ourselves and glorify ourselves. It's to glorify our Creator. Galatians 6:14 says, "But far be it for me to boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world." And also Ephesians 2:8,9 "For it is by grace that you have been saved, through faith, and this is not of yourselves, it is the gift of God, not by works, so that no one can boast."

I've also come to realize how much sweeter grace is, when we see the reality of sin. Once we see our condition, grace seems that much better. The love of God then makes so much more sense. "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now am found, was blind but now I see..." There was an illustration done in our membership class at church, that I just love. I can't draw it on here, but the point was that the deeper reality we have of our sin, the greater reality we have of the holiness of God. Sin and holiness start together at one point, then a line is drawn moving diagonally upward from that point, and sin is a line drawn diagonally downward from that point, and in between the lines, you draw crosses, that end up bigger and bigger. So, as we recognize sin more and more, we recognize God's holiness more and more and the cross becomes that much bigger, that much more necessary, and that much sweeter.

I feel like Peter most days when Jesus had just taught some hard things and many people left. Peter was left standing there and Jesus asked if he was going to leave too and Peter said something along the lines of, "where else can I go? You have the gift of eternal life." There are days I also feel like, "I believe, help my unbelief."

You know, once I realized the graveness of my sins, it made God's love that much more awesome. And I think I see now where works fits into the whole mix. Our works come of the freedom we have to serve because of the cross. We serve because we want to serve. We love because God first loved us. His love and mercy in my life enables me to love and be merciful to others by the same grace that was extended to me in my years of darkness. If God can forgive my mess, it makes it that much easier to forgive others' offenses toward me.

So, in closing, my time away from Facebook, may lead to more time away because it is in these times that I chose to spend time with the Lord and wrestle with Him and pray and read His Word and come before my Creator and learn of His great love! I pray that I may never return to the dark life I once lived. It's not worth trading it up for the precious love of Jesus!

Our Church Journey

It has been an extremely long time since I last wrote, but I've been thinking up this post for a while. I will bore you with some background info before making my point. We have continued through one or two more churches since my last post, and what a journey this has been! Our search for church, has been more or less a search for truth, and truth can be found in a number of churches. We recently made a decision to leave a house church of which we were members of for 1.5 years because my husband couldn't seem to find his place. It was a church that focused on relational brokenness, but he just couldn't figure out how that applied to him or what his place was. It was far the opposite of what he was used to since leaving some of his catholic roots. So, we left to pursue other options. We went back to a presbyterian church for the time being until we had some time to really search what was out there.

In this day in age, there is a church on every corner, everything ranging from traditional catholic, to catholic charasmatic, to methodist, lutheran, pentecostal. So, where on earth does one begin? Well, the church we settled at temporarily had a strong teacher in the Word, but it just didn't feel like our community. It was only about a 20 minute distance, however the church was not our community. I had my eyes focused on one in the area, however heard some not so good things about their doctrines and beliefs, but I remained curious. Friends of ours started going there and after some time of them spent there, we met with them for dinner to get some of their feedback. I knew they had a strong biblical foundation and were seeking a church that offered that, so I trusted some of their thoughts. So, after our conversations, we gave it a try, and now currently we remain in membership classes within weeks of joining the community, most likely.

Now, what is my point in all of this? From the time we made the decision to leave our last community, we have battled some resistance along the way. Many have been encouraging to us, some, more discouraging. Some resistance has come from the fact that we haven't settled in one community in the last 6 or so years. Some resistance is coming from the "denomination" we have chosen to become a part of. Much of the encouragement has been to go where the Lord leads and seek after truth, trust in the discernment of my husband and go where he feels he needs to be, being he is the head of our household. You see, he was falling apart. Reading the Bible was a past time from time to time. Now, we are all just hungry, hungry, hungry for the Word. We can't get enough. We can't seem to feed the kids enough.

And again, I digress. My point is not to say that one church is better than the other. But I will say this. I have heard the gospel message, weekly, presented in a way, that I haven't heard it before. It is the central message every week. I'm coming from a season of rough anxiety and wrestling with my faith. But to hear the gospel in a fresh sense, I feel renewed. I see joy again. Many don't like churches that just teach sin because it's depressing, and there are those churches that only teach sin. Many don't like churches that just preach love, because we then forget what we once were. I find joy in the teaching of sin AND grace because, as I learned today, the more we recognize our sin, what we once were, the sweeter the sound of grace is. The joy comes in knowing that God still loves me, despite my failures. The cross is the central message. It was Jesus and the cross that saved me, not anything I did or didn't do. It was not a works oriented righteousness. It was grace and grace alone.

You see, I've been criticized for "church hopping" and choosing churches in which there is always someone strongly warning me to stay away from it. And whether our decisions have been right or wrong, God used every single place we step foot in, to help grow us, to help grow me. Folks, God is STILL God. He speaks to us and teaches us at every point of our journey. This is the point of my whole blog. I grew up in my early younger years, Lutheran. That's how I was baptized. From there, we went to a small non-denominational church that met in a house then high school. When that church folded, we ended up in another non-denominational church, and from there another one, and that one was the one at age 13, I moved forward and professed my relationship with Christ. There I remained for most of high school and enjoyed youth group, Young Life and Campaigners. Youth Group was fun, it was community, it was a place I could have a good time without getting into trouble. Then I fell away after high school, and it was pretty bad. Entered a life of partying and immoral behavior, but after 4 or 5 years, I came back to a small church under Open Bible. I immediately became involved and found a group of people that embraced me, because I didn't have much left once I left the lifestyle I was involved in. That church brought me back in and embraced me, showed me what a family was like. Then I met Keith, and as the blog states, I ended up in the Catholic church. And it was there I learned that not all catholics are bad. I had some pre-conceived notions of catholicism, and ended up meeting some wonderful spirit-filled catholics. Then we left again and ended up in a very different church. It was a church of mostly younger people. It was there I learned that the idea of community isn't dead. They were people that loved and embraced anyone who walked in their doors. From there we went on to Assemblies of God and teaching was excellent, but church was slowly dying there. And from there we ended up in a place that did church from home. It was there I learned about tight knit community and an aspect that I've never been aware of before, brokenness. People that had some extreme issues in their lives, extreme circumstances and what the love of God pulled them away from. From there we did the Presbyterian thing for a while. It's there I started to learn a little more about reformed theology. It was a place with solid teaching but community lead us to where we are now, a place where the gospel is the central message alongside of the importance of Scripture and sound teaching of it.

And for my life, I believe God brought me on this journey. I believe in reformed theology. I'm starting to believe that it was God that pulled me out of sin, that I couldn't have done it on my own merit. The relationship that I was in years ago, I never would've ended that on my own. God, through that person, ended it for me. Otherwise, I wouldn't have done it, and continued in that co-dependent relationship. So, when God did that, I just transferred my dependency onto something else. Alcohol and partying, not that I wasn't already doing that, but it got worse. If it wasn't for one party and all my "friends" turning their backs on me, my party friends, I could be a alcoholic to this day. My own friends, people I was part of the "world" with turned there back never to forgive. THAT WAS A WAKE UP CALL. Even they thought I was too out of control. That was all God, not me. I wouldn't have done that on my own. God slowly brought me back to His family. You see, I have nothing to do with it. God DID call me first. I came to Him because He came to me first. That is what I'm learning now. And I still battle with anxiety and co-dependency. But now I can at least count it as pure joy that because of Christ and the cross, I was saved from that life. I thank Jesus every day, that the cross was enough to cover that multitude of sin. I thank God for loving me enough to get me out, to rescue me.

You see, my journey has not been one minute of waste. Do I have regrets? Too many to count. But it hasn't been wasted, not one single moment or incident. God used it all and will continue to do so. I have been a part of at least most of the mainstream denominations for a period of time. But I don't look for perfection, I look for truth. I don't look for leadership that points me to themselves, but ones that will point me to Christ. Folks, I"m not one to slam any church out there because God even uses the sick ones and can make them well. But one thing I will say, it's important to hear truth because we live in an age of relativism where truth is fuzzy. And if you are listening, God will lead you along the journey. And it's not going to look the same for everyone. Maybe it needed to take 6 years of searching to get to this community. Perhaps we made some mistakes along the way, but gosh, here's the beauty of grace. Even in the midst of my failures, God is STILL God and he is still working. Not saying those decisions were failures, but IF they were, THANK GOD FOR GRACE. And this is the grace we must exercise toward each other. We speak the truth in love. We used God's Word for building up, encouraging, training, reproofing.... And we allow God's grace to take people through their journeys. Because we don't always know what God is doing in someone's life. "For His ways are not our ways, nor His thoughts, our thoughts." God is God everywhere.

Please don't take this as me looking at the local church/community as unimportant. I am not saying that at all. In fact, I'm learning through membership in our existing church the importance of staying committed to a local church/community. I just wanted to share a little of my journey and experiences with God's grace. Because in the end, it's never about us, it's about Him, it's about His glory. We are here for Him. One of the ways he brings others to himself is through local church. But also remember, it isn't JUST about the local body, because corporately we are still ONE body with MANY members, inside of and outside of local community. And as long as it's not compromising biblical truth, we must put aside the things that divide us because we ALL need each other and God gave us each other.

Anyways, being I haven't posted in a while, this one is kind of messy, but it's been on my mind. Let us be gracious to each other the same way God was gracious to us.

The Body of Christ

This has been a long time coming! It's been a tough road the last few months since I last wrote. My family and I have been in and out of a few churches and you'll never believe it. There's no perfect church!!!! : ) I laugh because I think in some way shape or form, we as Christians desire that and seek that. I do believe, however, that there are different seasons within our lives where the Lord calls us to different communities, sometimes long-term, sometimes short-term. And sometimes, it takes some searching to get there.

A while back, we were attending a church we loved for about six months. We made some great friends there, especially a long-lasting friendship with one particular family. They were called out of the church to start their own housechurch, which was completely Holy Spirit driven. We left around the same time to pursue another church closer to where we lived. Loved the teaching, but it was missing something. For our family, it lacked community, it lacked relationships. To us, it was just a Sunday morning gathering with some good expository teaching. Don't think I'm here to criticize churches, just understand that this is my journey, my walk. So, moving forward, we ended up in another church close by. That was great for a while too, wonderful for our children, but it was still lacking some community; it wasn't personal enough. Plus, the teaching was getting weak, perhaps more seeker-sensitive. To make a long story short, we ended up at our friend's housechurch. I had dreams, I had visions of what the church could be and should be. Call me a free spirit, call me crazy, but based on what I've read in Scripture and how I've envisioned the church, I just felt like there was more out there than what some of my past has offered. With that being said, I needed to be in those places to get me to here.

So anyways, we end up at this housechurch. Before attending the first Sunday, the "overseer" had given us some information about the church and its vision. Let's just say, he took the words right out of my mouth. What if we could have real community again? What would that look like? There was a point in time when I thought this world is too far gone from community. This society is too individualistic. But, I was wrong. What I've been desiring to happen, someone made happen. We could all make this happen!!!!

This leads me into my talk on fellowship. I encountered a question on a message board, "what is fellowship?" In this conversation, I found myself writing and writing and writing. Fellowship is the gathering of the Saints sharing life together. There is so much energy I get from that! Notice I said, "sharing life together." It isn't just sharing donuts together after church, it isn't just having a monthly dinner together. Don't get me wrong, that's all part of it, but there's more!

One facet is prayer. I just know the Lord has been drawing me in, calling me closer and deeper into prayer. We should be praying over everything. We need to be praying over all of the things that our tripping us up and hindering our walk. We should be praying for God's will in anything and everything. We should be opening up our lives to eachother so that we can be praying for eachother. We need that! It is our only direct communication with God. Matthew 7:7,8 says, "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened." Paul is constantly asking the Saints to pray and is always praying for the Saints. 2 Corinthians 1:11, "you also joining in helping us through your prayers, so that thanks may be given by many persons on our behalf for the favor bestowed on us through the prayers of many." 2 Corinthians 13:7 "Now we pray to God that you do no wrong; not that we ourselves may appear approved, but that you may do what is right, even though we may appear unapproved." Gosh, we, as Chrisitians, need this prayer all of the time. It's hard to do what is right. We fall short, there is temptation, there is warfare, but all can be overcome by our faith in prayer if we just ask in God's will. Here are just a few more. Philippians 1:3,4 "I thank my God in all my remembrance of you, always offering prayer with joy in my every prayer for you all..." In Ephesians 6:18 after Paul talks about the armor of God, he says, "With all prayer and petition pray at all times in the Spirit, and with this in view, be on the alert with all perseverance and petition for all the saints." See, not only do we just pray for ourselves, but we are to be praying for eachother. In the story of the Upper Room in Acts 1:14 "These all with one mind were continually devoting themselves to prayer, along with the women, and Mary the mother of Jesus, and with His brothers." There is Scripture everywhere about prayer. It's what we should be doing constantly.

Another facet is carrying eachother's burdens. Galatians 6:2 says, "Bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ." We need to be there for eachother. It's easy to be tempted, it's easy to fall short. We must be humble and open to the rebuke of another and ready to pray. Galatians 6:1 says, "Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trepass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted." Then is vs 10 it says, "So then, while we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, and especially to those who are of the household of faith." 1 Thessalonians 5:11 says, "Therfore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing."

Being the church is being the body of Christ. Paul talks about the spiritual gifts within the body. 1 Corinthians 12:11-20 says, "But one and the same Spirit works all these things, distributing to each one individually just as He wills. For even as the body is one and yet has many members, and all the members of the body, through they are many, are one body, so also is Christ...For the body is not one member, but many...But now God has placed the member, each one of them, in the body, just as He desired. If they were all one member, where would the body be? But now there are many members, but one body." We all have something to contribute to the body, whether it be wisdom, healing, teaching, prophecy, discernment, etc. When we center ourselves in Christ, as the Body, Christ being the Head, He uses us in a powerful way.

Church/fellowship is also community. Acts 2:42-47, "They were continually devoting themselves to the apostles' teaching and to fellwoship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer (there's that prayer again). Everyone kept feeling a sense of awe; and many wonders and signs were taking place through the apostles. And all those who believed were together and had all things in common; adn they began selling their property and possessions and were sharing them with all, as anyone might have need. Day by day continuing with one mind in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, they were taking their meals together with gladness and sincerity of heart, praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord was adding to their number day by day those who were being saved." You see, community is life, and that is fellowship! What a blessing when the Lord brings people into our lives.

I love my church, I love the community, the relationships, the prayer, and just the energy that it brings. There is also the community in my family and within the household we live in. When we are in line with Christ, community just becomes real. It's that energy that encourages and challenges me to get up off that pew/chair/floor and start doing it, to go out! What we do in church, helps prepare us to go out. It's in the going out and preaching the Gospel that we can bring more Saints in.

My thoughts have been racing for weeks about this stuff. I think there are just some things I haven't been able to put in words.

Let me know your thoughts!

In God's Hands

I have an amazing story of God's awesome power and protection! I was in my bedroom getting dressed, getting ready for another day. I was getting ready so I could take my 19 month old son outside, like I do most mornings. Little did I realize my normal daily activity was going to change.

There was a mirror leaning against a wall in our hallway by our bedroom. It is a very, very heavy mirror and we weren't in a hurry to move it thinking our little guy would not be strong enough to pull it down. Normally my son likes to look at himself in the mirror and make faces at himself. Today my little curious one decided to try something different. I heard a banging against the wall and turned and saw him trying to pry the mirror away from the wall. I ran toward him to get him to stop, but I was too late. He had pulled the mirror down and glass shattered all around him. He was under the shattered mirror crying. I wasted no time and began to pull him out. I hugged him and comforted him. As I walked away from the mirror I saw blood drops on the mirror and quickly checked him out to see if he was injured. There was nothing but a few minor scratches on his body.

I couldn't figure out what was going on, until I looked at my arm. I had a rather large gash in my arm, and I will spare you the details. I continued to comfort my son, who was just scared from what happened. I'll tell you what, I thanked God in that moment for placing a protective covering around him. There was glass everywhere on the floor and before I pulled him out, shattered glass all around him, big pieces and little.

Suddenly the gash in my arm was nothing. I dashed up the steps with him. I was looking for one of the women we are living with, who is a nurse. She happened to be off work today and was able to nurse the wound long enough to get me to the ER. All I kept thinking was how happy I was that my son was okay, that he was wrapped in God's protective arms. I was also grateful to have someone here that was nurse. She didn't panic, she just took care of what needed to be taken care of and didn't give me a chance to be scared. I barely even felt any pain through the whole incident.

What I thought would be a 2 or 3 hour visit to the hospital was only about 1/2 hour. I got 7 stitches in my arm. I was able to get back home to my husband, who left work for this, and my son. I just kept hugging him all day, so glad that the Lord took care of my little guy. He is such a trooper. More important than that, God is just so awesome. Through this bad situation, it's like he placed everything so perfectly to minimize any damage or pain.

I can see now that we are here to glorify God. I have never been so thankful like I was that moment this morning. When I think about what could've happened, I just want to cry. But here's the beauty of it, what could've happened didn't happen.

I can't see how anyone out there could even doubt there being God. The nurse at the hospital said we were lucky, but I knew it was not luck. I don't think there's any other explanation as to how that happened so perfectly, for my son to walk out of there with a few tiny cuts and a tiny bump just above his eye and for a mother who moved quickly to get him out, with just one gash, 7 stitches, and hardly any pain.

To God be the glory!

Oh, and there's one other tiny moral to this story. Never underestimate the strength of a toddler. If their mind is set on it, they can do just about anything. Curiosity just gets the better of them. I love my child and his spirit, his curiosity of wanting to understand how things work. But hopefully he will never give me another scare like that again.

I also admire my husband, who picked up all the pieces of broken glass so carefully without injuring himself. He came home from work to take care of us. God is my big hero, who gave me two little heroes!

Scripture Study

Let me just tell you how amazing it is once you really start opening the doors of Scripture. In my last post I spoke of how hungry I've been for Scripture, so I took it upon myself to study. It's only been a few weeks that I've really started digging, and it's required much discipline, however I can't believe how much my eyes have been opened. I guess this is why I've been so adament about good teaching and how crucial it is to have good teaching about Scripture. A friend of mine told me about a passage in Scripture about the Ethiopian Eunuch. Take a look at Acts 8:30-31. "Phillip ran up and heard him reading Isaiah the prophet, and said, 'Do you understand what you are reading?' And he said, 'Well, how could I, unless someone guides me?' And he invited Phillip to come up and sit with him."

But there is also another responsibility that comes with Scripture. How do we know if what we're being taught is correct theology? There's only one way to find out, and that's if you bury your head in Scripture yourself. My husband and I have been learning a bit about hermeneutics, which is basically and inductive form of study of Scripture. We're being taught how to look at Scripture in its proper context. It's really easy to pull out verses and have it fit and match what we might want our lives to look like. I don't think God intended the Bible to be that way. Can we apply Scripture many ways in our lives? Yes. But we also have to look at Scripture as a whole so we aren't developing these man-made theologies that surround around one verse or one chunk of Scripture. If you find one Scripture contradicts another, then you must look again because something is being interpreted wrong. Yes, that might mean doing some research. If you look at Knucklehead's last post, he talks about the word, "confession." The definition isn't what many of us think if you really look at the Greek. Take also for example the word, "love." Love takes on many meanings depending on where you are looking Scripture. So often many of us do not take these things into consideration, but we should be.

Right now I'm doing a Kay Arthur study on the book of Philippians. I'll tell you what, I've had my head buried in Philippians for about two weeks now and haven't even scratched the surface. It's only 4 chapters! So far I've done an overview and through the Inductive method of study, I've been forced to find repetition within the book. What was interesting to me was how Paul keeps reiterating the same things to that church. He mentions in Chapter 3 the importance of his repetition. Look at 3:1. "Finally, my bretheren, rejoice in the Lord. To write the same things again is no trouble to me, and it is a safeguard for you." Then he goes on to tell them to beware of things. He talks about gain and loss for the sake of Christ. This takes on almost the same dynamic as Chapter 1. We have to ask ourselves, "why is he repeating?" In vs 3 of Chapter 3, he talks about putting no confidence in the flesh. He repeats himself through most of his letters about being aware of false doctrines. Why is that? At that time, there must of been a lot of false teaching, which could've been easy to mistake for truth. It was crucial that these churches understood that, and it's crucial we understand that today.

If we aren't firmly rooted in Scripture, then we are going to be "tossed around by every wind of doctrine." I have found over the years many great Christian authors. I have also found many who claim to be Christian authors that are preaching a false gospel. You wouldn't know that on the surface. That's why it's important to read that Bible. Just because CBD or Lifeway sells the book, doesn't mean the author is reputable. Even in the Christian realm, I believe there is a danger to commercialism and it's easy to get greedy. This is why we aren't to cling to the ways of man. We are all sinners, and none of us is perfect. This is why we only have the perfect Holy Spirit and the inerrant Word of God to give us the truth.

In my own life, I have decided to put most books on hold for a while. I'm one of those who buys into the things that "tickle the ears." I can be a sucker for just about anything, but if I would spend more of my time in Scripture, I can't go wrong and maybe someday if I decide to read through those books, I'll be grounded enough to "rightly divide truth." I don't want my ears tickled. I want the honest, hard, loving truth. I never went into this thinking it would be easy. I always hoped it would be easy, but I'd rather rest in the comfort of being uncomfortable sometimes. Nobody said this walk was meant to be comfortable, but there is a comfort in knowing that because at least I know Christ is on my side.

With all that being said, take some time, if you feel so compelled, and just spend some good time soaking in God's Word. If it's that important to you, you will make the time to do it. It's amazing the doors that ending up opening as you learn more and more about Scripture.

Hungry

Well, this has been a long time coming. It has been three months since I last wrote and for many reasons. At first I decided to take some time off from blogging as I've been discerning some things about my own walk. When I was ready to start reading blogs, my thoughts were still rather mixed up, which is why it has taken me this long.

My husband and I are discerning again as to what church we will attend. We made a home at a particular church for a while and have so much enjoyed the relationships and friendships that have come from it. Due to a recent move, distance created a bit of an issue. On a sidenote, I've been questioning and discerning some things about church in general which has caused me to want to seek and find possibly something else.

A friend of ours has been speaking to us about church and about Christ and about Scripture. He has been speaking about the importance of the cross and how crucial our understanding of that is in our salvation. We've also been talking about the importance of Scripture and interpreting Scripture so that we can mature in our walk as believers and so we can effectively witness to the lost. We've also talked about church. Something he said completely clicked with me. "Church is for the believer." Hmmmmmm. It didn't sink in right away. How could someone say that? We want all to be welcome in the church. We don't want to turn people away. Sermons must be taught so that ALL will understand. Little did I realize how damaging that has been in my life. I didn't actually realize this until I went to visit my old church. I heard a sermon teaching on Matthew 13. INCREDIBLE! Let me tell you why. This pastor took a good chunk of Matthew 13 and taught it. He taught the history and the background and made it applicable to today.

I'll try to make this brief, but I want to give an example or two. In verse 31-32. "The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his field, Though it is the smallest of all your seeds, yet when it grows, it is the largest of garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds of the air come and perch in its branches." Well, most people today would say that a mustard seed is not the smallest when you compare it to other seeds thereby diminishing God's Word, however we learned this is not the case. When you open an actual mustard seed, there are a bunch of tiny black seeds within the seed, which are the ACTUAL seeds. I never knew that! He also talked about the Parable of the Weeds. There were weeds mixed in with the wheat. The owner didn't want the servants to pull the weeds until the harvest because the wheat might get pulled with them. It's just like us. We, as believers, are the wheat, and we are intermingled with the weeds, the world. We have to be. Yes, this means evil is all around us, however the hope is that our light shines, it is the hope that word catches on about the joy of Christ.

There is a lot of talk today about relevance and reaching the unchurched. I'm all for relevance, but I'm seeing we don't need to change God's Word to make it relevant. We need good leaders who are willing to explain the history, then apply to today. I want to know why it was said in Scripture the way it was. This is what I've been lacking for so long. I'm tired of walking into church waiting for a brilliant teaching of the Word and getting the same basic message told 100 different ways. Sometimes I think this is why I've been dry for so long. I haven't gotten past the mark. I'm tired of hearing how I need Jesus and why I need Jesus, not that that isn't important, but now I HAVE JESUS!!!!! Now what? What did Paul mean in his teachings? What did Jesus mean by the things he taught his disciples? How does the history then link with where I am today?

I was talking to someone this week and both of us talked about how the church is where we get fed, and the rest of the week is for reaching out to the lost. The unsaved are welcome in church, however church is for the called out ones. We are already the body of Christ, and must be acting as the body. 1 Corinthians 12:12-31 talks about the body. We all have different things to contribute. We are all gifted in different ways. But it seems a lot of that is lost. In the churches I've been in over the last three years, I've experienced zero growth in my walk, but my growth has been outside Sunday morning. My question is, was it really meant to be that way? When Paul wrote his letters to the churches, he gave them spiritual food. He didn't mince words. He didn't hold back. He wasn't worried about who he would offend. Yes, he still taught out of love. You could tell he poured his heart and soul into the church, but he still never held back simply because he loved. And isn't that what Jesus did? He had some hard teachings. Teachings that some may not have looked at lovingly, but if we truly know Christ, we know his teachings were out of love.

I want to be taught. I want to learn. I want to grow, I want to understand. It's not to say the pastor knows everything, we also must be trusting the Spirit as we read Scripture, however I only pray that churches today would get back to maturing the believer. Teach the hard truths of Scripture to the believers. How can we disciple others if we aren't being discipled properly? I want to be encouraged to be in the Word. I want a reason to open my Bible every day. The more I'm truly being taught, the hungrier I am for more. "Lord, teach me more!"

I could go on and on, but I'll stop for now. Anyways, that is my next step in this journey, to find a place where I can be taught Scripture so that I can grow. I know this is only one piece of the whole pie as to what the church is about, but I think I know where I stand with community and prayer, etc, but if I want to be an effective disciple, I need a good solid foundation of Scripture as well.

Jesus Raises Lazarus

As many of you know, I've been reading the book of John. I know, I've been in it for, what seems like, forever, but it's some tough reading. Tonight I read about Lazarus in John 11. How convenient considering we just celebrated the Easter season. I've been trying to understand the meaning behind the miracles in John. Now, I'm not finished reading yet, but it's interesting how Jesus takes something in it's physical state and makes a spiritual lesson of it. We see that in the story of the Samaritan woman and the blind man. Now I'm going to talk about my thoughts on Lazarus.

I've asked myself over and over again why Jesus raised Lazarus after being dead for 4 days! I mean, imagine it were today, and 4 days would probably be the night of the viewing or just after someone has been laid in the grave. It's a long time. Jesus used these miracles to teach us who He is. It made me think about the spiritual death we are all physically born into. We live this life of darkness and sin. Then we believe and follow Christ and he raises us from death to life. He has the power to give life to anyone who wants it. His death and resurrection was the ultimate promise of that. We then have this new life and we no longer live in darkness. It's a second life, a better life. Jesus raised Lazarus to show us He is the giver of life.

I just thought of something else interesting. Before Lazarus rose, Jesus went to the tomb. The infamous John 11:35, "Jesus wept." He wept because Lazarus is dead. Do you think Jesus does that for the spiritually dead? Do you think he is sad because of what this world has come to? He loves us so much and wants us to see the light, but many choose not to. In my mind, that would make him weep because of the dead. He wants us to have life. Hmmmm.

So anyways, this led me to a time of prayer. A prayer about what it is to be a new creation and what is expected of me. I've often struggled with who I am in Christ. I mean, I know I'm a new creation, but it's like there's the personality conflict. I was the fun, crazy, funny person when I was out partying and drinking. Now I feel like the boring person. When I first came to know Christ, even before the years of partying, I was funny and outgoing, and I feel like she's gone for some reason. I mean, I know she's out there somewhere, it's just a matter of getting back those lost years.

Okay, so anyways, here's what the Lord revealed to me. I have to stop being selfish and lazy and allowing the daily distractions get in the way. Selfishness doesn't really lead to joy, it just leads to wanting more. Of course it makes sense that I'm not fully satisfied with who I am. I might be focusing too much on that. Unfortunately some of my selfishness is rooted in fear and anxiety. Then I remembered a verse from Philippians 4:6, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Not only did I rememeber that, but then I saw it staring me in the face on my wall on a poster.

Then I was lead to Luke 9:23, that verse, those numbers just photographed in my mind, so I went to it. "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life, will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose forfeit his very self." Tell me that wasn't black and white. The words that struck me most was, "take up his cross DAILY. This means every single day, I have to make a commitment to follow Christ and carry the "burden" so to speak. But it shouldn't be a heavy burden because Scripture says Christ's load is light. Every day I must die to myself and lose my life. That means losing my life for my husband, for my child, and whoever else God puts in my path. Yes, I think God truly was speaking to me about being selfless. The Lord has already given me the tools necessary to press through each day. The question is, am I chosing to do it His way?